31 Aralık 2016 Cumartesi

Undone

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”


― Neil Gaiman

Why do i feel sad? 366 days have passed and why? do? i? feel? sad? again? and why i've felt sad for all the 23 years i've been a part of.

Because i am the proof that if you feel lonely, you are lonely anywhere, anytime, with anyone.
This year there have been things i have failed, things i have succeeded, things i've loved and things i've cried. But there are also things... undone. And with the missing parts of them, i can't manage to complete myself and it builds a great black wall in front of me. I cant go on without the missing parts  and i just feel unsafe, insecure, lonely while all i can think is to find them in that black wall and complete myself. .

Like always, now, i am opening up while i am writing because this is what i do and how i feel safe and warm. And now i can see clearly that i. am. undone. And in life, i still couldn't come to the phase where i can say ¨IT İS OKAY. sometimes, something should be left undone¨

So this year, with all my broken heart, cheerful heart, full of laughter, love and joy heart, i want to stand still, take a deep cleansing breath and say IT IS OKAY. I want to understand ¨undone¨ and accept it. welcome it with my tired arms and say ¨you can rest here now. i'll take care of you. talk with you. love you. and try to understand you¨ At least i want to say; I've tried.

I am 23 years old and i've learned life is about the things you have tried. i can't say things you've had, things you've seen or laughed or listened. But i can truly say the things you have tried. It is just this simple.

You, may not be very happy and peaceful this morning. It is okay in our universe anymore. Because you've tried to get out of bed, you've tried to simile yourself in the mirror even if you don't want to because you feel very ugly that day, you've tried. Who cares if you couldn't manage it. It is okay. And if those things are still undone now, that's okay too.

So, whispering myself now, while sitting on a library chair ; may your coming year be filled with all those tried magic, tried dreams, tried books, art, music. Maybe you try to draw more, build more, sing more, love more and i hope somewhere in the next year,  you try to surprise yourself. And while we can truly say you definitely are in love and definitely are feeling brave, i hope you try to fall in love whole fucking lot.
Cleo Wade

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